First of all, no one will change for you what you can do for yourself. You have to change your self if you don’t feel good about it. Not another way around it exists. If you neglect to raise confident children, maintain a good relationship, or find gratification from your work, you will not be happy. These result from cognitive distortions, incorrect thinking patterns.
Harvard Health lays it clearly and logically.
“Cognitive distortions are inward mental filters or biases that aggravate our suffering, feed our anxiety, and cause self-loathing. Our brains are constantly processing a great lot of data. Our brains look for short cuts to lessen our mental load in order to cope with this.
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This is where one should start. The victim aspect is what it is. The most sad or poisonous feature of victimhood is the ignorance of victims about their role as such. Their victim status is confirmed and, generally, goes unquestioned as they see all around them proof of betrayal, duplicity, and injustice. This is why I advise caution—that is, the last discovery you make may be the one that reveals your wronging. In our life, everyone of us experiences dysfunction and injustice. We have to come to see that these are simply passing events. Once more, our response to the events defines us; they do not define us.
This comes from someone who didn’t feel worthy most of her life. Many books present the viewpoint of an expert, someone who already has a good sense of self-worth, which immediately creates an alienating viewpoint between them and us, those who know and the rest of us who battle this problem. They believe they are superior. Though they might believe they know better and have a good strategy, we know what it truly is; we have gone through it and not only assessed our self-defeating actions. Everybody varies in degree of self-doubt. One can be quite successful in their life and yet experience deep-seated worthlessness. Discovery makes one afraid since others would visit people to see what’s behind the curtain. We thus aim to reach ever higher and accomplish more and more, but it is never enough. You might try to hide this low sense of self-worth, but it is a visible illness, much as the alcoholic who wants to keep his drinking a secret staggers nonetheless. Keeping the analogy going, I want to be sober. In this sense, confidence and integrity equal sobriety.
This is crucial even though some of us could and do spend many hours or years in therapy or in our rooms trying to find out how we got to be this way. Though it may matter to you, it really doesn’t matter how we got to be damaged goods; rather, it is only a part of a very long and convoluted narrative. Though you might very well know how and when you arrived at this point, leave the guilt for now and ask instead: What comes next?
Life consists in decisions. Though I feel caught in my life, I can decide to start writing this. I can decide to have a sensible dinner. I have the option to walk. I can decide how I react to my boyfriend. Every deliberate decision I make either increases or decreases my likelihood of reaching the integrity I so seek. My decision results in me stepping out from the victim role. Victims react to their life; they do not create it.
Coming out from victimhood is a process that revolves mostly on acceptance. One of the fundamental principles of every spiritual tradition, I would say, is one we can apply in our daily life, in the ordinary and sad situations we find ourselves in. Like choosing deliberately rather than reacting, it takes time. I find myself caught in traffic. I’m no longer employed. I’m not well. One other is bitterness, anger, and protest. Low self-worth people take these things personally. An individual with confidence and integrity accepts and adjusts.
In any negative situation, the most important question is, What do I do now and next? At times all you can do is inhale deeply. Other times you can act decisively, but once more you are choosing consciously rather than reacting; you are acknowledging your situation. Everything shifts. This holds true both in good and bad circumstances. This too shall pass is therefore a very strong phrase. Accepting yourself, your life, and anywhere you happen to be at any one moment helps you to develop peace of mind.
The essence is acceptance. Good decisions are born of acceptance. Someone will always be either better or worse off than we are. Good and bad events can strike us or others at any moment. Perhaps our lives have been easy or challenging. Who else is to say? One is you. I am here. Saying something is unfair is like to going back to victim mode. Lead not a life of protest. You will miss a great lot of what is offered. There is nothing served by anger and resistance; consider the world and its enigmatic ways as an impersonal agency. We only help to limit ourselves even more. From our own vantage point, where we stand, we are valuable. Practicing and believing this helps us to surface the part of ourselves we love, and then the way gets simpler and more obvious.
